I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Breaking news:
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.