I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
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Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
is this a threat
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S