Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow