I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
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The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Denise please return my vape pen
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
This probably isn’t good
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something