Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
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Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were鈥攏ow get this鈥攖rained鈥y鈥鈥oberman.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN鈥橳 FIND MY GLASSES.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine鈥檚-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Pac-Man: what鈥檚 for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 馃寱馃寱馃寱
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you鈥檙e welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon