Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
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I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.