Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
your honor my client chooses dare
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.