Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.