Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
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How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
is this a threat
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly