[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
There’s only one good girl here!
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.