I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family