Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
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The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!