If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
You Might Also Like
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner