INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.