Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
scrabbled eggs
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own