If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Mhm.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I came this close!!!!
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.