WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
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Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
me doing my best
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
*jazz hands*
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.