My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The fall of Netflix
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?