Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
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Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Fiction has to make sense.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]