PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer