GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
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[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad