My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though