And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
How your email finds me
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*