you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Stop it! 😂
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree