“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
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Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes