Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Finally
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
What is going on? 😅
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Admin smashed it 😂
Yes my dude
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.