murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.