If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
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FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I saw this ending much differently.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold