If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
When a shoelace touches your ankle