[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
You Might Also Like
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”