New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
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Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it