“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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When you’re here for the treats.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower