[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.