[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
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So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
This checks out
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol