[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
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grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why