[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
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Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts