I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
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I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?