Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
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Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…