If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.