Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
This is my bus stop.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.