Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I鈥檓 basically a puffer fish now.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It鈥檚 trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I鈥檓 a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I鈥檓 a Florida Walmart 5.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
my ex boyfriend鈥檚 cousin鈥檚 girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I鈥檝e still got the juice 馃槑
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My dating profile:
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I鈥檒l be the first to go in next apocalypse