Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
You Might Also Like
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
what’s more important?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.