[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
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Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell