Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Best mom ever 😂
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.