*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle