Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat