A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
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[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.