son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.