Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Erm I’m gonna say no
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5