My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
You Might Also Like
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE